Mark's Game Report

Right, last show of the week and this better be good because I am getting taken out to dinner immediately afterwards, and I have insisted that we leave 30 minutes later just to do this report. But I needn't wory, its always good....isn't it?

Noel was wearing a dark shirt with a splattering of bright flowers, I'm sure my Auntie Florence had curtains like that once. He fires up the crowd with his take on a Churchillian speech, it falls some way short but the audience scream nonetheless. He reminds the studio that the largest amount, £120,000, was won by Jennifer last year, how much longer were we going to have to wait? Could that record finally be taken tonight? The player facing this challenge was Mark, a quiet contestant over the last 21 shows who now roared down the walk of wealth with box 20. This dark horse from Liverpool clearly had some oriental ancestry, but he reminded me of Dustin Hoffman's Ritzio in Midnight Cowboy. Mark had survived drowning twice and crashed into the central reservation on M6 while trying to avoid a dead cat - from that he felt lucky - I suppose he could have been the dead cat. He had a system, which he wondered if the Banker could crack. Mark talked about Big Ben, and the giant cup of coffee in front of him, all signs he reckoned that he was here for the big money, hmmmm, that didn't really work. But with his Chinese connections, he had the genes for gambling. Mark was going large, trying to work the crowd - this was not the natural behaviour of an IT man, and Mark looked uncomfortable.

Round one: Louise, box 22 - £5. Teresa, box 1 - £750. Janie, box 10 - 50p, this was looking very promising, Mark was no longer baiting the crowd, things were already serious. Drew, box 16 - £10,000. Peter, box 2 - £100. The opening offer was £10,000. Mark started to ramble in Liverpudlian, ending up with '..I feel positive, No Deal'.

Round two: Yvonne, box 15 - £250. 'Yeah!', yelled Mark, again this looked very odd, is there a producer behind the scenes with a doll, sticking pins in it? Joan opened box 9 'hope its blue, Mark', said with all the feeling of the dead cat Mark had avoided - £20,000. Suzanne, opened box 14 after the break - 1p. Now at this point the board was only missing two reds, with the power five untouched. The Banker had sussed the system, his next box would be number 8. The offer was £20,000, a massive second offer. Mark went white, his shoulders bunched up, he smiled while blowing out his cheeks. 'No deal'. Noel felt it was time for his Kevin Keegan moment 'well we need to brace ourselves, its only a matter of time before we hit one of the power five', and you just knew what was going to happen next (maybe they record these Keegan moments afterwards, or maybe they have a few pre-recorded which they stick in on a loop).

Round three: Mark went for Jo, box 8 - £100,000 - 'eww no' said Noel, just like Frankie Howard. Mark nodded, licked his llips a few times and went for Fran, box 13 - £75,000. 'No, no,no', Noel had now gone for Kenneth Williams. If the cat had been alive and trying to avoid the headlights, it would now have looked like Mark. He went for Simone, box 7 - 10p. The offer was now £8000, he had just lost £12,000. 'Becca what would you do?', said Mark, he could just as easily have said 'if said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?', he just wanted to talk to Becca and didn't really know how to start up the conversation. 'I would no deal, definitely' said Becca. This was a non-event, there wasn't a cat's chance in hell that he was going to deal, and he didn't.

Round four: Scott, box 12 - £1000. Fran, box 3 (Carlton was unwell still) - £10. 'James, any thoughts about your box, by any chance', asked Mark. Ritzio was shuffling along a wet highway asking a stranger for a lite. James replied that he hadn't had any big numbers up until then. Mark went with his first instinct - James opened the lid of box 17 - £500. An almost all-blue round. The offer was £18,000. Mark asked for a sweep - roughly half said Deal. Noel then asked the question, and Mark replied as if he was declaring war on Japan - 'No deal'.

Round five: Colin, strangely, thankfully, quiet, opened box 4 - £250,000 - Mark's head in his hands. Noel needed to bring Mark back from the dead, he asked if we could know the system now. Apparently it was based on BlackJack, he first got rid of 22, and then wanted to remove all the lowest hands thereafter (I hope that is clear to you). He went with the gorgeous Becca (I could re-phrase that, but why kick a man when he is down), box 18 - £3000. Buzz, box 5 - £50,000 - Buzz's second red ever was the highest amount left on the board. I would have sugested that Stevie should now have a blue, but yesterday blew that theory our of the water. The offer was now £6000. Mark was trying to gee up the crowd but he was a fish out of water, as he clapped his jaw was on the floor, he was scared.

Box 6, Richard - £35,000 - Sue and I both knew it that was going to happen, it just had an air of inevitability. Mark was at the roulette table, chasing his loses, he went for Nessie, box 11 - £50. Noel was pushing him on to the last box of the round, 'The only way to recover, we must find the other blue'. The gambler couldn't believe Stevie could keep going with her string of power fives, he went with her - this was gutsy. Stevie looked on like an unwitting siren, Mark was determined despite Noel's concerns, so she opened box 19 - £1 - the best moment in the game so far. The board contained £5000 and £15,000, the offer was £9000, Mark was going home with some money, it was now a question of how much. Mark thought for a while, 'Time to bite the bullet, Noel' nodding his head, his tight shut - 'No deal'. Then he calmly took a sip from his giant mug. The Banker phoned to offer the swap. Now here is the thing, Mark's system was based on blackjack, his box was 20, he was across from Daz with box 21. Mark knew that 21 beat 20 in blackjack, but he had a principle that he would never swap. He batted them back and fore and then decided to dispense with his system and 'go with his heart'. He declined the swap.

Noel opened Mark's box 20 - £5000, Daz had the £15,000 in box 21. Mark sat back, it was over, and he was disappointed. What would he do with the money asked Noel - 'my girlfriend is quite high maintenance so most of it will be going to her' - a great last line. Mark had a box that he suspected was not the big amount of money but he stayed with it, and he had an expensive girlfriend and stayed with her - and he crashed cars to avoid dead cats....I think I can see a pattern forming.

Mark won £5000