Lofty's Game Report

Our bearded master of ceremonies meets us at the front door, welcoming one and all to todays game of DOND. Its Tuesday, and I am feeling a little better about life, the universe, etc. - I havent't seen an advert with Noel in it for at least 24 hours.

Today's player was Lofty, so called because he was tall, he was blonde-haired (dyed I suspect), and he was from Yorkshire - a northern, blonde Tony Adams lookalike. To cheer him on from the audience was his mother, who had brought him up alone, his pregnant girlfirend and his friend Paul. Noel thanked him for the bucket loads of support and energy he had given to DOND already. Did he feel he was lucky? Everyone had bad luck in their lives, but he had an amazing mum, an amazing girlfriend, and he would soon have an amazing baby, so he was lucky. And from that point on, only mother-hating, baby-fearing, girlfriend-less monsters from Lancashire could dislike him. To further help out Lofty, Noel was, for the first time, wearing DOND cufflinks. 'Come on' said Lofty, not for the first time. Noel said that if Lofty said 'Come on', more than 20 times, he would have to buy Noel a beer. Lofty replied if he won big money, Noel could have all the drinks he wanted. This was a bit like Mr Burns getting Homer to pay for Christmas.

James was away ill, so Noel said Jo would open box 22 for him.

Round one: Scott, the new guy, opened box 6 - £500 - and Lofty was off the chair 'yes,yes', but he didn't say 'come on'. June next with box 8 - £20,000 - although the audience went quiet, Lofty was unperturbed. Rich opened box 5 - £750. Lofty was stroking his chin, 'Who has the penny...Buzz', he opened box 3 - £10. Finally for round Janey opened box 10 - 10p, a really strong opener. The Banker said that Lofty was 'one of the best contestants DOND had ever had' . I am not sure what made him think that, maybe he wasn't from Lancashire either? He felt that with Lofty gone, the remaining contestants would be rudder-less. The offer was £9400. Lofty seemed to give this offer serious consideration, as well he might it was one of the highest opening offers ever. But then he said 'No deal' and added, 'come on', so Noel was happy.

Round two: Lovely Jo opened box 9 - £35,000. 'Thats a bit of a blow', said Lofty, his mouth hiding behind linked hands. 'Go on Colin, give us your insight'. Colin, reckoned there were 'five elephants in this box lofty'. Noel shook his head in bewilderment, Colin was worse than Pat M. Colin opened box 1 - £5. Perhaps a pound was an elephant in Colin's world? I wonder what an 8 ton, grey thing with a trunk is called? 'One more, one more, think blue...Louise, number 11'. After the break, Louise lifted the lid on £50,000 - had Lofty turned down the highest offer he was likely to receive? The offer now was £6000. Again Lofty gave this serious consideration, reflecting on the number of times he had seen the big amounts disappearing, it already felt like a deal early game, Lofty was being ultra-conservative.

Round three: Despite the earlier declaration, Lofty got Suzanne to open James' box 22 - 1p. Lofty was up immediately, giving it 'yes' and 'come on', his girlfriend had her hands over her mouth. Lofty rushed over to give Suzanne a kiss while Noel speculated 'I wonder if Suzanne also has the big one?'. Patricia next, box 2 - £1. Lofty was now very, very happy, singing 'oh yes, hokey kokey kokey'. Noel had to stop him, 'hang on Lofty, hang on, we have to get to the next offer, one more to go'. Lofty took the advice, and after a suitable period for reflection he opted for Mark, box 14 - £50 - and then Lofty was away again 'get in there'. The offer was now £18,000, Lofty went white, hands on head, he stood, looking across to his mum and girlfriend. I think Noel told him the offer without a great deal of build up, because he expected to get on with the game. However Lofty was thrown into turmoil, he said 'and we take a break?', but Noel just laughed. Lofty got his girlfriend down, I felt, 'its a bit early in the game for this sort of thing...unless he is going to deal?' His girlfriend said through tears, 'We've just seen games turn round so quickly' her voice squeaky, the Yorkshire accent nervous. Noel went to Lofty's Mum, her advice: 'its what they need'. The board contained three blues against eight red. Lofty started talking up the board, 'not even Morris had a board this good'. Would he deal? Noel asked the question. Lofty stood to attention, facing the board. He thought long and hard: yesterday the Banker had crucified Jason, Lofty's mother wanted him to take it, his girlfriend wanted him to take it...so he did - 'Deal'.

Round four: Simone, box 15 - £10,000, the crowd cheering loudly but this was not what Lofty wanted to see now. Drew, box 13 - £1000, the audience now had the idea, they start groaning. Carlton, box 7 - £250. The offer would have been £36,000. Lofty had dreamt five times that he was offered £36,000, although it was a choice between £5 and £75,000.

Round five: Joan, box 21 - £100. He was finding it very easy to hit the low numbers. Finally gorgeous Becca broke the spell, box 19 - £100,000. But Richard with box 16 ended the round the wrong way - £5000. The offer would now have been £48,000, how many times did he dream that? Not once, of course, so much for dreams.

Round six: Fran, box 20 - £15,000. Stevie, box 17 - £3000. Three boxes left, could Lofty really have the big one in his box? He went for Peter, box 18 - £250,000 - reflief all round, but short lived, as Lofty pointed out, he could still have the £75,000. The offer would have been £22,000.

Noel opened Lofty's box 12 to find 50p. and Lofty was delighted, rushing, screaming around the studio before cuddling his girlfriend. Suzanne had the £75,000 in box 4.

Lofty won an amount of money which allowed the pair of them to give their baby a good start - there was too much on his shoulders for Lofty to take even the smallest risk. And in any case he took the offer at the end of round three, which for most of the last four weeks has been the highest offer in any given game. But its difficult to maintain interest once the deal is made, I think a further incentive to make people keep going might be to not reveal the contents of the unopened boxes after the deal is made, and to close the show early. Of course it would completely muck up the programming schedules but hey....thats not my problem. Anyway, good for Lofty, but not a very complling game.

Lofty won £18,000.