Pat G won £16,500

Red white and blue, a patriotic game show - absolutely - red boxes, blue numbers and white knuckles, Noel's opening to today's show. Hopeful faces flashed under the lights until they settled on Pat G. Yootha Joyce on acid, she swung her box and sang down the aisle like the flower lady from Oliver. She was mayor of St Neots in Cambridgeshire, her mother had died recently, and she was suffering from breast cancer. Pat was dressed in a kaleidescope and if positivity cures anything then she was well on the way back to good health.

Noel stated that only the envigilator knows what is in each box, but why does anyone know what's in each box?

Round one: Pat G said she was going for the corners first and so Cathy at one end of the west wing was first with box 22, £20,000. Richard (she said one thing, did something else, Richard was not at a corner, but it was her game) box 18, £3000, Michael with box 20 - £5, Dave opened box 3 - £5000, and finally for the round namesake Pat M with box 17 - £1000. Pat had done a bunch of things including photographic model, telephone operator, childrens entertainer, catering manager. She went on to explain that her first husband had left her for her friend (he probably couldn't get a word in edge-wise), and they were still friends. There was more but Noel was praying for the phone to ring. 'every now and again we've got one that won't shut up', he said to the banker. The banker questioned if she got elected or was it a coup - 'how much does she want to shut up', and the audience clapped (for some reason). The offer was £5400, and Pat G tried to build up the moment, but it was 'No deal'.

Round two: Dot, box 7 - £500. Pat sitting back as if she was Queen. Claire had box 1, 'I think your grite', in her best brookside accent - 50p. New girl Sarah was next with box 16, after the break she opened £1 - an all blue round. Pat didn't seem to like silence, unable to stop speaking whenever there was a quiet moment. A born again Christian, I could just imagine her knocking on my door trying to convert me. In fact I used to live near St Neots, and she did look a little familiar. Pat described herself as a tough old bird, and Noel and the banker were being a little cruel about her- the banker offering Noel a load of money not to let Pat talk to him. The offer after a lot of giggles was serious - £14,000. She did think about this, you could see the cogs ticking - No deal', she said, but she had to repeat herself as her voice had momentarily gone.

Round three: 'How do you feel John?'. Box 5, he'd had low numbers up until yesterday, but Pat decided it didn't matter, number 5 was her grandmother's birthday - £250,000 - the audience groaned. 'Its alright. That just means I am going to have to go the whole way'. Gary, box number 2 revealed £10,000, while Massimo opened box 14 to deliver £10. 'I'll be quiet if he rings quickly' said Pat, and the response was immediate. Six blues against five reds, but four out of the power five were still in place. £8100 was the offer. She closed her eyes slowly, going into herself. On opening her eyes again she said quietly to Gabrielle - 'I'm just going to have to go for it' - 'No Deal'.

Round four: Hilary opened box 9 - £100,000 - silence. 'Yep, I don't care, I am going for it', and she said this very convincingly. A massive message to the banker, the offer would not be important, Pat G was going to the end. James with box 11 - £250, and finally Pete, box 15, afer the break lifted the lid on £50,000. Pat G had £75,000 twice as a contestant and now she was going for third time lucky. Noel pointed out that the 1p was still out there, but Pat said 'No. I have had two downs in my life and recovered from both of them'. Five blues against three reds - the offer was £50. 'He wants to test your resolve'. The banker phoned again, and this time Pat picked it up, Noel went for a chair as she chatted to the banker. Finally she returned the receiver, 'My real offer is £5500' - 'No Deal'.

Round five: A quickie round was called for, Morris box 19 - £250, Dave with box 21 - £15,000, and finally Julia with box 4 - £750. 'Still going all the way?', asked Noel. 'Oh yes'. Noel relayed the banker's question - 'How much do you want?' Pat looked at the board, '£45,000 to go', she said knowing that it was not a realistic request. Noel returned to the banker, 'I might chip in to get her to go myself', said Noel wearily. This was great fun but the offer was good - £16,500. Noel went to the contestants even though Pat G had declared her intention to go to the end - he was trying to get her to reconsider. Pat M was first and she pointed out that she nearly had a heart attack - at the beginning of the show Noel had shouted that it was Pat's day, and she thought it was her. But then she gave her advice - 'Deal'. All of the contestants said 'deal'. This had to have an affect. Hands behind her head Pat G said 'ask me the question, I might change my mind'. He did, and she said 'Deal'.

'The mayor of St Neots is a bare-faced liar', laughed Noel. But she had played well, she had fooled the banker into giving her the best offer possible at this point.

Round six: Gabrielle with box 6 - 1p, Linda opened box 10, £75,000, and Fadil with box 12 for 10p. The offer would have been £11,000. She was smiling (where was George?). As it turned out she had £50 in her box so she had beat the banker.

This was a good fun game, a bit like the comedy episodes that would occasionally be stuck into Star Trek (the original of course), and thanks to Noel it came out with a good result. I think it may well have ended up very differently if Pat G had been allowed to go with her first instinct.