Nick M's Game Report

Its Noel in a deck-chair (his shirt) – according to Noel Roy taught contestants not to be psychologically beaten by the banker – he showed them all how to keep going. ‘Do me a favor’ said Noel in his best Essex, ‘lets make our first quarter-of-a-millionaire on this Saturday night’.

Tonight its Nick M, his head specially shaved for the occasion, he nonchalantly walked down the aisle with box 16. Nick Martin from Blackpool cares for his wife Di following a serious car accident. Di was in the audience; ‘such a privilege and honour to be here’, she said. Noel said that he had not been looking forward to this game; Nick was an ominous looking character. Nick claimed to be a nice guy; a tall, lean, muscular man with a quiet voice and a dark goatee beard, surely the first hit-man to play DOND. He had a target and a comment to put in the book.

[Chris was back from her migraine.]

Round one: Pierre box 22 - £5. Nick D, box 5 - £750. Otis, box 1 - £500. Surely Noel would say something, but he didn’t so the karma was still strong. Nickea, box 7 - £1000. ‘As good as blue’, said Noel, he had to say something didn’t he, then Lance, box 3 - £50,000….of course. The audience took a while to clap, like an old car starting up. Nick showed pictures of his four children (two were his and two Di’s from an earlier relationship) and of course the pre-requiste pit bull terrirer, the preferred tool of any mechanic. The banker reckoned the contestants cost him £24,500 yesterday, and he wanted it back. The offer was £7700. ‘No deal’ said with confidence and steel.

Round two: Georgio, box 12 - £100. Steph, box 10 - £15,000, again the audience were unsure, and even when they clap its not convincing. Linda, box 14 - £50. Nick hated the weather in Blackpool, he wanted the money to buy a bar in some hot climate. The banker was tired of looking at Nick, his offer now was £15,000. Noel, without prompting, asked some of the contestants, Debbie said, ‘its a good offer, but there is more on the board’. No deal said Nick, and the audience got a little louder, but we were still in Countdown territory.

Round three: Sharon, box 11 - £3000, Sandra box 18 - 50p. ‘Starting to get into unsettling’, said Noel. Lindsay, box 19 - £250,000. ‘Gutted’ said Nick; Noel looked to Di – ‘Gutt’d’, she (almost) repeated. The offer was now £10,000. ‘Good offer’ said someone from the audience. Noel asked if Nick needed help, ‘I don’t think so…no deal’ said Nick quietly.

Round four: Monica, box 20 - £100,000. Paul, box 4 - £35,000. ‘What an unbelievably destructive round’ said Noel. He said it as if he thought it was the end of the round, in which case he would have been right as the last three had all been from the power five, but of course the £250k was in the previous round. Mark, box 8 – £1. Noel made fun of Nick’s attempt to select another box, apparently oblivious to his own mistake moments earlier. The board now had four blues against four reds with the £75,000 at one end, and one 1p at the other. The offer now was £6123. Nick was a cool as a cucumber – ‘No deal’.

Round five: Sue, box 21 - £10. Debbie, box 6 – 1p – Nick was finally becoming animated, punching the air with his fist. Chris, box 1 - £75,000. Nick unflustered. Top prize left was now £20,000. The offer was £5001. Nick calmly looked at the board. Noel asked Di to come down to join him – ‘five toosand is a lot of money’, said Di in best Glaswegian. Nick agreed, but said ‘no deal’. Di whinced.

[Point of order – not all Scottish people speak with a Glaswegian accent, not even all Glaswegans. I get very irritated by shows such as Casualty and The Bill, having drunks and thieves portrayed by actors who can only attempt Glaswegian - they should be able to do Aberdonian and Scouse too!]

Round six: Buddy, box 9 - £10,000. Two blues against two reds. Sally, box 2 – 10p. Could Nick avoid the £20,000? Connell, box 15 - £5000. So now we were left with £250 and £20,000, the offer was £8500. Here was the moment of truth. ‘Had a great time, ready for the question’, said Nick – ‘Deal’. Nick’s eyes were glistening, almost tearful, the banker had finally found his mark.

Noel opened Nick’s box, it contained - £250. John had the £20,000 in box 22. His comment was that he wanted enough money to pay for the bar bill and a de-tox clinic after he left the hotel.

This was not a great game, Nick had worked hard on his image as a hard man, saying he was actually ‘nice’ was a bit like Don Carleoni saying he was ‘just a good fella’, it left me unsympathetic to his game, almost anti in fact.

Nick won £8500.