Joan's Game Report

Hi its Iain, I'm back just for today, I think I can do Saturdays, and it gives Sue a break.

Noel has a little chuckle to himself just before addressing the audience, whats going through his head? Is it the anticipation of what is about to happen, is it the excitement of what he has planned after the show, or is it just the thought of all that money he makes with each show.

Tonight its Joan, can she persuade me that she is anything different from the frumpy, school mam that she has portrayed over the last few weeks. She looked liked the still-alive member of the two fat ladies, only thinner, and she had a face which naturally seemed to frown. She took the walk of wealth sternly, with box 6. Joan was actually a sales supervisor on a cross channel ferry, and her ambition was to use her winnings to buy a cruise around the world. She was doing quite well in converting me, and then Noel let slip that she and her husband Dave were caravaners - sorry but if Hitler had left everyone else alone and taken out caravaners then this report might be in German.

Round one: Daz, box 2 - £500, Joan's fist was in the air. Louise, box 16 - £20,000, polite applause. Teresa, box 12 - £750. Richard, box 14 - 1p, hands above her head, Joan was smiling, she looked so much better when she smiled, the crowd whooping and clapping in the background. Bianca, box 13 - £5 - an almost perfect oppening round. Noel talked for the longest time while the phone rang, and then it rang off, this was all staged of course, some work some don't. The Banker wanted to know why anyone would live in something that could be dragged. 'My caravan is top of the range you know' responded Joan, somewhat irked. 'That's like saying I have some top quality mud', said the Banker ranting on to Noel. The offer was £8200 - 'No deal', she gave the offer no consideration, nobody leaves at the end of the first round.

Round two: Debbie, Box 8 - £5000. Lee, box 15 - £50,000. Joseph, box 22 - 'Have you ever been caravaning, did you enjoy it?', asked Noel. 'My wife told me to say yes'. Noel then asked 'Have you ever been cruising?', to which Joseph said 'Oh yes'. I hope we are talking about nautical stuff here? After the break, Joseph lifted the lid on box 22 - £1. Joan was becoming more animated, hands above her head clapping furiously, cheering with a voice that had known too many cigarettes. The offer now was £13,013. She asked Scott, 'Good offer, but a strong board, as good as any I have seen in the last few days'. Joan nodded in agreement, her dialogue with Scott was not a serious moment of indecison. She turned to Noel - 'No deal'.

Round three: Melanie, Box 9 - £10. Box 20 - £35,000. Ron, box 3 - £1000. For some reason at this stage it didn't feel as if we would see the big one any time soon. Mark the new guy advised that 'there was definitely another deal left on the board' - this was without knowing what the offer was. The top three were still in place, the Banker felt that while they were still there it was almost impossible to get anyone out of the chair. The offer this time was £20,000. Noel worked to make her think, trying to remind Joan of games where people had crashed and burned. Joan asked the audience, only one stood up, and he gave good advice '...£20,000 is a lot of money'. Joan seemed to think about it, but in her answer there was an emphasis which belied thought, she was playing to the gallery, like Norman Wisdom window dressing to the amusement of the street crowd, while his boss watched and fumed.

Round four: Jo, box 4 - £250. Carlton, box 7 - £100,000 - a rush of air was sucked-in across the studio - an attack on the top three. Yvonne, box 18 - after the break she opened £75,000 - suddenly this had turned into a one box game. Now if the big one went, Joan's ambitions would fall by at least £235,000. The offer was now £5000. Joan gave this even less than thought than the other four - 'No deal', she said with some anger. The trap had been set, and the bear had fallen in. The board displayed four reds against four blues.

Round five: Aileen, box 17 - £250,000 - 'it was in box 17 yesteday as well', was all Joan could think of to say. The funeral music had kicked in, the camera scanned shock and stunned members of the audience. Joan came back quiickly, Box 5, £100 - Lee. Mark, the new guy, box 1 - £50. The end of a cruel round, and the atmosphere was deathly quiet,mourning. Joan looked straight ahead, Noel was almost silent until the phone rang. According to the Banker, the offer ad shifted from a canoe to a lilo - £2999. The contestants advised 'no deal', but it was not their money. The board showed three reds against two blues, she could still have won £15,000, and this kept her going - 'No deal'.

Round six: Trevor, box 19 - 50p. This was better. Wayne, box 10 - £3000. If she could have taken out the 10p at this point, then she would be going home with at least £10,000. Joan asked the audience to chant 'blue'. Noel built up the moment trying to talk over the chants, and then Chrissie opened box 11 - £10,000. Instead of dying away this time, the audienceroared into life, realising the decison that lay ahead. In this round we had lost all of the middle ground, giving a finale with the most extreme amounts considering the board that was left. But the banker was toying with Joan, like a cat and an injured mouse - the offer was £3000, he had effectively stuck, and it seemed lower than one might expect at this point.

Joan responded immediately, 'ah what the heck, lets go all the way', for a moment I was looking at Paul O'Grady. Noel asked the question, and there was a long pause, so he asked again - 'No deal', again this seemed more for the effect than the logic. The Banker offered the swap - she declined. So Noel went to her box - he lifted the lid on 10p. 'Its ok, come on', said a stoic Joan, but the contestants were gutted. The £15,000 was with Nessie in box 21.

This was horrible to watch, and yet, of course if it was compelling. Joan should have dealt at the end of round three with £20,000, and yet I don't think it was the lure of larger amounts that made her go on, it was her own ego. The tragedy was Shakesperian, but was she Hamlet ot Malvolio, I couldn't decide.

Joan won 10p