Frank's Game Report

the actors and jesters are here
the stage is in darkness and clear
and no-one is quite certain
on raising the curtain
whose play it is....
(Supertramp, Crime of the Century)

And then he is there, our friendly, bearded master of ceremonies, our faciltator, coach, friend, advisor, good conscience and bad - its our Noel. Can I detect a little redness around the eyes? Celebrating Noel?

Today it was Frank, enjoying his walk of wealth with box 10. Frank Markin from Macclesfield, Corporal Jones was alive and well and sitting in front of Noel, but as we were to find out, there were many personalities within Frank, including Professor Frank Unwin, master of gobbledeguk, Frank Marvin of the Shadows,and Frank Butcher, late of Albert Square. The Frank in front of us was a rocker, he had toured US air bases for 5 years in his twenties, leaving his job as an apprentice carpenter to chase his dream. Cheryl, his wife of 40 years was in the audience; you could just imagine her as a teenager looking up at Frank from the cheap seats with adoring eyes.

Now DOND for the most part is a show with life changing amounts of money which very few people actually attain, but tonight we were about to watch the game show equivalent of Karl Wallenda's tightrope walk across Niagra Falls. One of Frank's daughters was diagnosed with MS three years ago, Frank and Carol are looking at stem cell treatment costing £20,000 to get the job done. So the stakes were enormous. Frank is a part-time spiritualist, dead people speak to him in his dreams - apparently he had correctly foretold the deaths of three people in his dreams. He was happy with death, much of the preamble contained black humour, placing a very spooky air on the nights proceedings. To finish this off he had spoken to his dad (dead) in a dream, about three months ago, and was going to use his dad's army number for the first five boxes [The number was 1436146031].

Round one: Amy, box 1 - £10,000. 'Whats in the boxes is there already, so no crying, nothing that happens is your fault and I am not going to blame you', I am sure he was looking at Pennie. 'Well said Frank, but what he said is total rubbish, he will haunt you in your dreams', warned Noel. Pennie was next with box 4 - 10p - so she ws safe. Mark, box 3 - £750, and Frank cheered like a vicar at a football match. Vic was next with box 6 - £50 - 'Come on', said Frank. Yvonne, box 14 - £50,000. His dad's army numbers had not been too bad. Noel related the banker's latest funny, he has an estranged son, they don't talk because he is a charity worker. The offer was £6031, the last 4 digits of the army number that Frank did not use - clever old banker. 'No deal' said Frank, and sat back, his hands clasped between his knees, a la Parkinson.

Round two: He was flying solo now. Elvis Presley's birthday was the eighth, (did he know anyone who was still alive?) he went for Shirley and box 8 - £20,000. Then Al with box 7 - 50p.

After the break we re-capped Lucy's show - even three months after her game, she is still in the top four of our hit parade, and she will probably go up from there after this. Aileen was next on Frank's list, 'Aileen, whack out a blue', said Noel. She opened box 12 - £100,000. Cheryl thought he was doing ok, 'he knows what he is doing'. The offer was now £5000. Frank thought it was very fair. What do you think about this. 'Go for it'. I think she meant 'no deal' - Frank took it that way anyway.

Round three: Linda, box 18 - 1p. 'Yeah', said parson Frank, 'I think I will go with Melanie now', Noel looked across at her and licked his lips, 'yeah so will I'. Melanie didn't say 'no', she just opened her box 2 - £250,000. Frank was not smiling anymore. 'Concentrate on the £75k now Frank', said Noel from the other end of the studio, he was probably scribbling a telephone number for Melanie. After the break Bianca opened box 16 - £5000. The board had six blues against five reds, his best hope being the £75k with £35k in reserve. Corporal Jones was in his element, determined to go on, while Noel was trying to help him stop for the bankers call. Even after the offer of £2500, Frank was for going on immediately, without the need for question - the audience were in fits of laughter at Frank's confusion.

Round four: Sue, box 13 - £5. 'I am not as silly as I look', said Frank, 'don't take a vote on it Frank' said Noel stoking the audience. Box 5, Roy - £100. Wayne was going to be next. 'Aren't you going to ask his advice' asked Noel, referring to Wayne's perdiction that he had the £100k in the last game - he actually had the £10k. 'What was that part of ladies underwear on your head last night? asked Noel. Wayne blushed, 'I'd been given the booby prize', said Wayne as he collapsed over his box - maybe the fact that Noel knew this might explain his bloodshot eyes, had he finally gone to one of these crazy hotel parties? Wayne opened box 22 - £250. Kirsty was also on the show from the Hall of Fame, she was going to use her winnings to enhance her chest line, but we weren't allowed to find out if she had actually done it yet - never mind, she was still as gorgeous as ever (I wonder if I have time to learn cosmetic surgery). The offer was now £9500. 'I am thinking that £10,500 is a...', Noel corrected him,'its an old trick...'. Frank waffled on while Noel went to sleep on a lady's shoulder, not all of him, just his head. Eventually Frank was ready - 'no deal', he said, and he said it with courage. Cheryl seemed horrified.

Round five: 'Now come on, this is the serious part of the show', said Frank, the audience were falling about because Noel was pointing across at Cheryl's flushed face. In linking to the break he said 'you are watching decree nisi or no decree nisi, Cheryl is going to murder Frank if he gets this wrong'. After the break box 9 was £500 (I missed who had the box). Sally next with box 15 - £1000. 'This was planned you know' said Frank, smiling like Godfrey. Finally for the round he went for Linda, box 19 - £1. Now this was good - Frank had four reds against a single blue, and the £75k was still there. The banker said Matt, Kirsty and Lucy were the symbols of courage - and then he complemented Frank on his courage in taking on Cheryl. The offer now was £20,000 - this was what he needed for his daughter, surely he would deal. 'At the worst I could have £10 in here', said Frank trying to make sense of his position, Cheryl buried her head in her hands. Cheryl eventually shouted out, 'don't do it Frank'. Noel referred back to her comment at the end of round two, 'you mean go for it?' Cheryl looked slightly startled and then sent him an encrypted message - 'Its your game....Frank'. Of course he dealt, he was closer to death than he could possibly have realised, and Cheryl was louder than anyone else in cheering his decision.

Round six: Box 11 - £10. Ashok, box 21 - £15,000.Pierre, box 20 - £75,000. The offer would have been £12,000.

Frank had £35,000 in his box, but he didn't care. Connel had the missing £3000 in box 17.

I have no idea what Endemol would have done had Frank left with 1p, but this was a game where it was hard to laugh if you kept the big picture in mind - 'Frank come on down, lets see if you can win an operation which might just save your daughter's life'. I think I can just about remember a sketch along these lines in Monty Python - a show full of ideas that they thought funny because they were so impossible.

Anyway Frank won the amount they needed, and I wish them well.

Frank won £20,000.