Pat's Game Report

Countdown is just closing its Wednesday edition,somewhere along the way Des and Carol have made up, they seem like a nice couple now. Des has settled-in well in what has to have been the hardest act to follow since the moon landings. Rick Wakeman is their celebrity guest this week. When Mr Wakeman was a superstar pop god with Genesis, I had just left the RAF and was doing some temp work in Woking, Surrey. I was invited to a birthday dinner by a gorgeous nurse, just a quiet night with six of us round a table. The doorbell went around 9.00pm and it was Rick Wakeman holding four cans of beer and saying he had heard there was a party going on. He didn't know anyone there, but that didn't stop him, he came in and just joined us at the table - it was like having Jesus. And he was great fun.

Anyway, to business. Noel summarised Gaz's game, describing the early stages as unrelentingly bad luck, but through real courage and luck, he went all the way to the end and opened his box 13 to reveal £100,000 - the message to the contestants was clear. Finally, finally, finally, it was Pat's turn to go to the front - the Queen of the show - the contestants bowing, hands out, repeating 'I'm not worthy'. If anyone still remembers Barbara Bush, George senior's wife at the White House, then Pat looked like her, but Pat had a style all of her own. Noel gave her a cuddle because she was crying...'like an eejut'. Noel tackled this beautifully, he pretended to cry too, louder than Pat, complaining that this was going to be a mad show, how would he get her to stop talking? Pat had elected to stand throughout the show, and so Noel took the chair. An indication of Pat's ability to deal whammies: she said 'I will stand throughout the whole show, but I may want to sit from time to time'. Another was that she had brought a teddy bear with a green hat and called it a leprechaun. Her husband of fifty years, Brian, was in the audience. Pat decided to tell her life story, Noel walking away, and Pat chasing him. This was going to be her show, the first of many if TV producers have got any sense. Noel wished her the luck of the Irish and they got the game under way.

Round one: Serious Simon box 10 - £5000. Gary, box 8 - £15,000 - 'thats not very low is it'. 'Stacey' was called up next, she had just got Sandy's name wrong, box 9 - £1. Pat was confident and enjoying every moment, what a super lady. Emma B (an in-joke was shared between Emma and Noel - something going on maybe? Ah the scandal. Get Prescott's agent on the line.), she opened box 4 - 50p. Patricia, 'my name sake' said Pat, opened box 14 - £500. The banker offered £50,000 not to speak to Pat, but she got on the phone anyway. 'Hello sweet prince, how are you?' Really we have no idea what the conversation was about, it seemed to involved her husband and a garden shed. Eventually she put the phone down rather than giving it to Noel, so the banker had to phone back. While Pat kept trying to aplolgise for cutting off the banker, Noel kept repeating 'You are doing alright, you are doing alright, you are doing alright'. The opening offer was £9500, she certainly was doing alright. Noel asked her the question. Pat looked at him as if he spilt tea on the floor, 'What do you think? No deal' said Pat, dismissing the offer as if swatting a fly.

Round two: Tan, box 20 - £10,000. June, the new-ish girl, struggled to open box 17 - £10. Then they took a break. Gorgeous Sarah was next with box 11 - £20,000 - she is gorgous but deadly, I've known a lot of women like that....grrrrr. The offer now was £12,900. Noel asked Simon. 'A very, very respectable offer', he said sagely, but the rest of the contestants were advising her to go on - and she agreed 'No deal'. Dot's game was coming to mind, Pat was riding a wave of popularity, she was in her element but surely £12,900 deserved more thought than she gave it?

Round three: Mark, the new man (he looked about 15) opened box 5 - £75,000. 'My lovely friend Raj', said Pat. She had stood beside Raj for almost as long as she had stood beside Richard. Raj opened box 2 - 10p. She talked to Morris, wrong footing Noel, and then went to Rich with box 10 - £100. Pat couldn't keep track and wanted to keep going, Noel struggled to keep a handle on the game. The board now contained five blues against six reds. Waiting for the banker Pat described how she went in to the jungle to see a witch doctor/fortune teller. As she was sitting in his tent an egg almost landed on her head. Don't ask me how this came into conversation, during the show Pat managed to cover a massive range of topics, and these were just the ones the editor left in. The banker thought about crawling across the beams and dropping a wallet on her. The offer was £17,500. 'He really is trying to tempt me here, what do you think my best beloved?'. Brian advised no deal, there was more left in the game. The audience also wanted her to go on. She said 'No deal'. This was getting dangerous now; she gave the impression of having not a care in the world, and she was clearly loving the adulation of the crowd, but she'd asked Brian - maybe it was in the hope that he could stop her, but he was waving her on - the train had no driver, and the signalmen were just taking obstacles out of the way.

Round four: Jason, box 15 - £100,000. She went for Maxine, box 12 - £35,000, reds were coming thick and fast, but nobody seemed to notice, particularly Pat, it was water off a duck's back. Pat said 'I'm afraid of you Morris, you have many a big box, don't you', Morris collapsed, and the audience roared with laughter. Patrick was going to be next, but the break was called. After the break the selection was ignored and she went for Lofty. Noel asked why she had decided against Patrick? 'I forgot about him', said Pat with hand to her mouth, and Noel colapsed to his knees, the game was insane. Pat apologised to Lofty and went back to Patrick, who opened box 5 on 50p. The offer was now £8000. Pat was surprised that it had dropped so much, but it was surprise not shock, nothing was going to upset her day. She talked to her leprechaun, a little girl with a rag doll, she was not really thinking about the offer. Noel tried to bring in a serious note, he had now spotted that the tide was going out - he asked the question like Inspector Morse, but Pat was in a world of her own, the £250,000 was still out there and she had already been offered more than twice as much - 'No deal'.

Round five: Box 3, Lofty - £750. The audience clapped loudly. Pat in full flow, looked around and settled on the delicious Terry. She opened box 18 - £250,000 - and the audience groaned. 'Suddenly that £17,000 seems like paradise', said Noel, who was immediately admonished by Pat for being so negative - this woman seemed in destructible. The board now had £50,000 as the highest value, and then a long way down to £3000. The audience only smiled now at Pat's jokes, they were worried, the contestant were worried, Noel was worried, but Pat was happy enough. She went for Dave W, 'if you have £50,000 in there I'm gonna kill you', she threatened playfully. Inevitably Dave opened box 13 and there it was - £50,000 - 13 was not going to be lucky two days in a row. The contestants were close to tears now, this was going very badly - the most she could win from there was £3000. But Pat was sitting, happy more than calm. She turned to Brian, 'Are you going to leave me?' Brian assured her that he could never do that, and she turned, smiling, back to the front. The offer now was £500. 'Tell him he can stuff that up his jersey, No Deal!'.

Round six: Susie opened box 7- £3000. 'Oh terrific'. Pat wasn't really bothered. Tom opened his box on 1p, and Pat cheered; getting the 1p meant more, much more, than losing the £3000. Morris presented today's poem (I will spare you) and then he opened box 21 - £250. She was left with £50 against £1000. The offer was £350, 'getting worse he is', said Pat. Brian said go for it, and so she did - 'No deal'.

The banker phoned back to offer the swap, but Brian said to keep the box, so she did. 'This isn't the way it was meant to be' said Noel perhaps regretting that he had not concentrated harder on getting Pat to deal earlier, 'never mind I have met you, and all these lovely people', she said, and she meant it. Noel opened her box to reveal £1000, Emma had £50 in box 6. The audience clapped politely, but there was no cheering, this was a sad end to the Queen's reign, fortunately it was only sad and not tragic.

The great thing here was that Pat was an OAP, and yet she didn't deal early - she came to play the game. And she bore the loss, how else can you regard £1000, with tremendous spirit. There were many positives in this game, and there is now a new celebrity in Ireland. Well done Pat.

Pat won £1000.