Welcome to donduk. A refuge for those who enjoy Deal or No Deal, the hit Channel 4 gameshow hosted by Noel Edmonds. The award winning gameshow Deal or No Deal has become a big hit for Channel 4 and marks a sensational return to our screens of Noel Edmonds.

Deal or No Deal is enjoyed my millions of viewers daily, where the contestants battle with The Banker to try and win a jackpot of £250,000. Here at donduk you will find full daily reports of each show, as well Deal or No Deal news and specials. Deal or No Deal although initially appearing very simple in format of just opening a few boxes for the chance to win some big money prizes, actually has some potentially complex decisions to be made at points throughout the show, the contestants occasionally try complex or simple gameplay in an attempt to give them an edge in beating the Banker.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Shirley's game report

Thursday again and, therefore, my turn to guide you through the maze of "Deal or No Deal".

Noel introduces today's show by telling us that he is reading a tale by R L Stevenson, in which two young men seek riches. More prophetically, the tale is named "The Wrong Box". This is only half the story, of course: what he doesn't tell us is that the plot revolves around a tontine, which is a curious investment scheme into which many people place funds, which the last survivor inherits.

If DOND were a tontine, few would wager that today's player Shirley would be the last survivor. The Rednal Banshee, as she is destined to be remembered, shrieks "Wow" all the way to the chair carrying box 16. Middle-aged Shirley has a smoker's cackle and is married to Jim, with a son and two grandchildren. The obligatory pictures are shown to the camera: the children are inevitably described as angelic although the objective viewer knows this is rarely the case.

Shirley is from Rednal on the southern outskirts of Birmingham, within spitting distance of the Rover site at Longbridge. This is not saying much since, thanks to the actions of Rover's Chinese investors last year, most Midlanders consider Longbridge to be within quite a comfortable spitting distance of China, thank you very much. No, we haven't forgotten yet. Check back in another year.

Double Deal week is over so there are few body doubles among the contestants today, although for no apparent reason, Shirley is dressed as an apple tree. She wears a green top over beige trousers and tops off the whole affair with a large and distinctive pair of apple-green earrings rejected by Pat Butcher as too garish.

Shirley's admirable philosophy is that "you get out of life what you put into it," and she admits to being something of a gambler. She is accompanied by her friend Pat in the audience and a small brass bear which she sits on the desk. If only she had reversed their positions...

The formalities completed, Shirley's eyes go down for a full house.

Round 1

  • Shirley begins with her neighbour Ryan in the West Wing, who opens box 14 to reveal £1,000.
  • Pierre est le suivant, avec boĆ®te 17 qui montre le €22,000. In sterling, this is £15,000. Box 17, for some reason, is now seen as unlucky. I recall hearing that the number 17 is unlucky in Italy, but this may be fiction. This has nothing to do with DOND.
  • Shirley turns to Alan and box 1: £10.
  • Sticking with birthday numbers (a gift to potential identity thieves in the Rednal area, should any be watching...), Shirley goes for her aunt Betty's cat's sister's birthday. Or something. Janelle opens box 9 to show £50.
  • Su Pollard is chosen early, as her tear ducts are subject to a hosepipe ban and the producers can't take the chance: box 7 contains the £5,000.

The banker takes his sweet time as Shirley waffles on about something. Despite removing three red numbers, Shirley receives a generous offer of £8,300. Showing signs of having been coached by the crew, she asks for opinions from everyone. There are mutterings of assent that this is a good offer. Shirley needs little time to think, however, before declaring firmly: "No deal." She turns to the audience and turns up the volume.

Noel invites the Rednal Banshee to write down her target in his book. She obliges without shrieking.

Round 2

  • New boy Nick is chosen to reveal the first sum of the second round. He is an tall, burly fellow with a tattoo, and Noel can't help but describe him and the equally imposing Connell as "Monica's minders" as they stand on either side of her. Box 3 contains £250.
  • Ashok is next: box 19 contains £1.
  • Tall, blonde Linda E is still wearing an Alice band and continues to bear a close resemblance to David Beckham. We go to the break and when we return, she opens box 10 to reveal the biggest sum so far: £35,000.

Five of the six highest sums are still in play. The banker is suitably impressed with another strong round, and offers £16,000. Noel relates that the banker believes he cannot rely on every game to go wrong, referring to the collapse of Wayne's world yesterday. No partying on there. Shirley turns to Ryan for advice: he counsels her to carry on but adds that he knows she wants "a little more": surely this is misguided, but nobody comments on it. Shirley's mind is made up: "No deal." She squawks some more at the audience.

Round 3

  • Shirley asks Black Country Mark to open box 2: he mutters something which may have been "Good luck" and reveals £100.
  • Amy is next: box 4 contains £20,000. There are groans and then hesitant applause.
  • Finally in this round, Buddy opens box 11: the 1p is struck from the board. Shirley shows off her fillings as she loudly bellows her approval.

The banker is naughty and picks up on Ryan's earlier remark. I am vindicated: despite a very strong third round, he increases the offer by "a little," as per Ryan's instruction. It now stands at £17,500. Up in the audience, Pat advises the world that Shirley's husband Jim built his own narrowboat and is known as "the Commodore". Well, Shirley's game is certainly at the red end of the spectrum, even if she has taken the humble apple as her colour of the day. By the time Noel asks her the question, Shirley has already decided: "No deal."

Round 4

  • Roy opens box 6: 10p. More hollering from Shirley is accompanied by the familiar fist-wave, a manoeuvre first brought to us by the equally demure and retiring Eileen.
  • Sally is next with box 12: £3,000.
  • Inevitably, Noel calls a break before Melanie can open box 15. Equally inevitably, it seems, box 15 reveals £100,000. Noel quaintly describes this as "a pain in the bumpty," which is assuredly not a phrase heard often in Rednal.

The banker takes his sweet time and eventually calls to offer £21,000. It is clear that Pat thinks Shirley should deal, given the history of recent games. Noel reminds her about Jennifer's £120,000 win, but impresses that the £21,000 offer is real money. Obviously torn, Shirley stares at the board and decides: "No deal."

Round 5

Noel bangs on a bit more about history in the making. Nobody really listens.

  • Lynda B is next. She bears a quite uncanny resemblance to Myfanwy the lesbian barmaid from Little Britain, best known for her coarse line in anatomical description. Shirley looks understandably nervous about asking Lynda to open her box: box 13 contains £750.
  • Sue opens box 5: £500. The Rednal Banshee is back with a vengeance: her howling pierces the studio and awakens some spirits in a nearby graveyard.
  • Shirley completes the round with Vic and box 22: £5. Shirley hugs Noel, who is too close to avoid his fate.

An all-blue fifth round leaves the board with the following sums: 50p, £10,000, £50,000, £75,000 and £250,000. A huge offer is inevitable: when it comes, it is a mammoth £55,000.

Shirley turns to Black Country Mark and asks him for advice. In the same way that the Big Brother producers subtitle Glyn and Imogen speaking in Welsh, Channel 4 should be obliged to subtitle Black Country Mark for the benefit of non-native speakers, even those of us who have worked in Walsall. He chunters unintelligibly in pure Yamyam, but his last word is unquestionably "Deal." Mark's is one of the few British dialects in which the word "Deal" is made up of two syllables: I just thought I'd mention that as part of a crash course for whoever gets to write about his game.

The audience is asked for its views. Inevitably the students decide Shirley should carry on. Pat would deal, saying that the Commodore would kill her if she advised otherwise. Connell, apparently also a Midlander, insists that Shirley's last decision was more of a gamble than this.

Noel asks the question and Shirley's blaring voice fails her for probably the first and only time in her adult life. Eventually it returns: "No deal." Shirley declares she will "never be sat here again." Pat looks horrified.

Round 6

  • In what is now a truly gripping game, Paul is chosen: box 21 reveals £75,000.
  • Monica, happily between her minders, opens box 18: £10,000. A chant of "Easy, easy, easy" breaks out, led by Su Pollard attempting to prove her worth as a Yellowcoat.
  • With a choice of Connell and Bianca (who has been left till last a lot lately), Shirley can make or break her game. She opts for Connell and box 8: the tension is unbearable as he breaks the seal... and reveals £250,000.

Shirley has her head in her hands. Connell apologises for some reason. Su Pollard's head hits the desk, just as it did last Thursday. She has been at the Toilet Duck again. Noel reassures Shirley that she had been brave to play on at the last offer, although his words cut little ice with an axe-faced contestant.

With 50p and £50,000 left on the board, the banker offers a decidedly generous £20,000. This reflects his respect for the gutsy way Shirley has played the game. Noel suggests that when the £250,000 is finally won, it will be by someone with only a fraction of Shirley's courage. I doubt this makes her feel any better as she is obliged to accept the offer: "Deal."


There is unfinished business: Shirley's box 16 contains £50,000. This is probably inevitable, but Shirley really had very little choice but to deal at £20,000. Bianca opens box 20 to reveal the 50p and conclude the game.

Noel looks into his book and sees that Shirley's target was £20,000. She can, at least, go back to Rednal with her desired sum.

This was a thoroughly engaging game of DOND. Shirley required close attention to the volume button, but her zest and her conviction that her box contained the big one shone from the screen. It seemed we had barely got to know her since she strolled along last week, but when the show's epitaph is written, Shirley's game will likely prove unforgettable.

Shirley won £20,000.


bal said...

excellent report thanks steve! trust me to miss one of the better games!

Gillean said...

Steve, really vintage stuff - looking forward to next Thursday already!!

Anonymous said...

that report was fierce . hilarious well done

Steve said...

That's very kind: we do this every day, you know, so please come back tomorrow... and bring a friend with you.

And please do join up or sign your name. We get 24,000 people a week in here, but so few of them leave a comment!

More comments on all games please.

Steve said...

Oh, and I meant to say that I am also available to write reports on weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs (although if it's a bar mitzvah, I guess late on Friday night is quite the wrong time of the week to be advertising...)

primrose said...

Dear Steve,less of your cheek about Walsall or I will be writing a Blurb on your Funeral. My husband comes from there and a better or a more clever chap you couldn't find. So pull your horns in Steve Love Primrosexx