Welcome to donduk. A refuge for those who enjoy Deal or No Deal, the hit Channel 4 gameshow hosted by Noel Edmonds. The award winning gameshow Deal or No Deal has become a big hit for Channel 4 and marks a sensational return to our screens of Noel Edmonds.

Deal or No Deal is enjoyed my millions of viewers daily, where the contestants battle with The Banker to try and win a jackpot of £250,000. Here at donduk you will find full daily reports of each show, as well Deal or No Deal news and specials. Deal or No Deal although initially appearing very simple in format of just opening a few boxes for the chance to win some big money prizes, actually has some potentially complex decisions to be made at points throughout the show, the contestants occasionally try complex or simple gameplay in an attempt to give them an edge in beating the Banker.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Amy's game report

Noel bounds towards the camera to remind us of Ashok's disastrous game yesterday, in which he took home only £250. Wimbledon has started, so we are watching the only show offering the viewer the remotest chance of anyone British winning anything. Well done, Channel 4.

Names flash randomly on the screen and today's player is... gorgeous, pouting Amy, who is the smiliest young woman in the West Wing. She is bear-hugged by Linda E and Sue, on either side of her, before Black Country Mark moves in for a quick two-handed grope of Amy's midriff. Yes, Black Country Mark, we all saw it. Amy is resplendent in a primrose-coloured top and tight jeans and carries box 5 down the apron to the hotseat.

After 21 games of pouting effortlessly from the wing, we finally make Amy's acquaintance. She is another lady who plays poker, and Noel reminds us that this will set the banker's alarm bells sounding. She shows off her photographs: one is of her sister with their nan, whilst the other is of herself at a New Year party, dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.

Round 1
  • Janelle is first, with box 18: £20,000. The audience oohs.
  • Staying in the East Wing, Amy chooses Nick who opens box 2 and reveals £35,000.
  • Plummy Lance is the next choice: box 14 contains £15,000 and a whole swathe of the red half of the board has been cleared. More oohing emanates from the audience.
  • Lynda B opens box 19 and reveals £250, the first blue figure.
  • Finally in this first round, Amy plumps for Debbie, who is a rather frightening concoction in black and perhaps represents the Wicked Witch of the East Wing. Box 16 contains £10.

A mixed first round, which was neither dazzlingly good nor dazzlingly bad. During the call, we learn that the banker is "corpulent" and that he noted Amy's obvious popularity with her fellow players. Sniggers break out in both wings: perhaps there is a story behind this. It may be connected to the revelation that Amy can place her leg behind her head and play it "like a guitar." Alan looks decidedly guilty at this news: perhaps he likes a secret strum himself. Amy promises us a look at her party-piece if she wins a large amount. Black Country Mark (the Dirty Groper) rolls up his tongue by hand and places it back in his mouth.

The banker's offer is a surprisingly high £6,600. Perhaps he is respectful of Amy's poker skills. She appears to chew over the offer - perhaps literally, since her lips close and her jaw moves - before replying confidently: "No deal." She claps dementedly.

Round 2

  • Amy opts for Sally and box 3. For some reason, Sally is wearing a red gift ribbon around her neck. She reveals £50.
  • The new player is Giorgio, who tells us that he came to the UK from Assisi a long time ago. Probably for Debbie's benefit, he explains that this is in Italy. His thick accent is almost a parody of itself, rather as though a bit-player from 'Allo 'Allo has walked into the studio. There are wild cheers as St Giorgio of Assisi reveals the 1p in box 21. Amy grins and inevitably claps.
  • We go to the break and return with Connell and box 15. "Not one of the big four," pleads Noel, conveniently forgetting that - along with Nick, Black Country Mark (the Dirty Groper) and the truly formidable Linda E - Connell is certainly one of the four biggest contestants. Noel's confidence is well-placed, for Connell reveals the £1. Noel compares Amy to a sealion, although she has yet to balance any balls on her nose, at least in public. Black Country Mark (the Dirty Groper) clearly wishes she would try, as his eyes glaze over.

The banker calls and offers a whopping £16,600. Amy asks for advice and the audience swiftly replies with a call of "play on" in uncanny unison. Among the audience, Amy's friend Melissa agrees: the chances of taking out three of the four remaining large sums in the next round are low. Noel suggests that Amy's indecisiveness at this offer may have allowed the banker an insight into her character. She eventually decides: "No deal."

Round 3

  • Amy gestures to Black Country Mark (the Dirty Groper). He smiles dreamily back, perhaps recalling his earlier furtive grope and her reputed ball control. If not her heart, perhaps he wishes he had another part of Amy's anatomy. Box 4 reveals £1,000, which Noel pointlessly and maddeningly calls "the honorary blue" yet again.
  • Alan is next with box 12, which contains 50p.
  • Amy re-allocates the nickname Smiler to Vic (although it is not hers to give away) and he obligingly opens box 1 to show £750. All over the land, fans of the scrumptious Dave W (the true Smiler) begin writing to their MPs.

After her indifferent start, Amy's last eight boxes have revealed nothing greater than £1,000. Noel jokes that we will get to see her guitar trick after all. Despite an all-blue third round, the banker's offer is only slightly higher at £20,000.

Amy is again indecisive. She asks for the sweep. Lance describes the offer as derisory, John reminds her that she has seven "disposable" amounts, Alan believes there is at least another deal in the game. Debbie, at the most easterly end of the East Wing, spouts some pointless drivel and then makes the call-centre faux pas which really ought to be punishable by an computer-generated slap: "It's up to yourself," she tells Amy.

No, Debbie, it's "up to you". Not "yourself" but "you". At the risk of sounding like an irritated English teacher, I will swing for the next customer service person who makes the same mistake in a conversation with me. What is the betting that Debbie works in a call-centre? We shall doubtless find out when she gets to play. Perhaps, just perhaps, she is the electricity call-centre woman (whom I had to correct three times for this very reason in a four-minute call last month) who had the cheek to ask me to stop correcting her atrocious grammar. I do hope not, since she has obviously relapsed. In any case, perhaps Debbie wishes she had a brain.

Anyway, back in the studio, Melissa advises her friend to consider the offer. "Don't go on just to spite the banker," she warns wisely. Noel asks the remaining members of the audience whether they think Amy ought to deal. Not one stands up: a conclusive verdict. This is enough to convince Amy: "No deal." Turning down £20,000, Amy clearly does not need to wish for courage.

Round 4

  • Chris opens box 6 and the room is disappointed to see £75,000.
  • John hopes that box 13 "doesn't spoil it" but it is a forlorn hope: £50,000.
  • The second ad break is called as Amy chooses Sue and box 10. We return to Noel's usual warning of death and damnation in the event that another red number is revealed. Sue duly disproves his theory as she reveals the £250,000 but the world fails to topple off its axis. Amy, however, has her hands over her mouth and her eyes pop out in a failed attempt to exit her face. She looks as though she has just caught the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man in a compromising position. She visualises the Scarecrow with one leg behind his own neck and the other behind the Tin Man's and looks justifiably quizzical.

The banker is certain to punish Amy for a truly disastrous round. Sure enough, the offer is just £5,000. Rather gamely given the circumstances, Amy tut-tuts at the studio audience for its bad advice. Alan rather needlessly tells Amy that she ought to keep the highest numbers on the board. Linda E declares that she would play on. Amy concurs: "No deal."

Round 5

Noel commands Black Country Mark (the Dirty Groper) to sit in front of the £100,000 on the game board, as though this will prevent it being revealed. Inexplicably, he obliges and sits cross-legged on the floor. Perhaps this is due punishment for his grope.

  • Pierre ouvre la boîte 20 et montre le €4,400. Noel again has to indicate that this is worth £3,000. Pierre looks up and sideways at Amy with his big cow eyes, in a way most reminiscent of Diana on the Panorama interview. The likeness is quite astonishing.
  • Paul opens box 7 and reveals 10p.
  • With box 17, Naqiyah is Amy's next choice and she obliges with £100.

Amy waves at Black Country Mark (the Dirty Groper). He waves back from the floor and looks a little chastened for the experience. The banker's offer is £9,950. Someone in the audience boos gently before realising that he is alone.

Amy again asks for help. Debbie fails entirely with her attempt at game analysis by pointing out that Amy won't win £100,000 if she takes out the £100,000. Jade Goody has a rival. "I want a hundred grand," pouts Amy childishly before declaring that she is ready for the question. She responds with a sensible but obviously reluctant "Deal."

Post-deal: Round 6 and Endgame

  • Amy has her fingers crossed and holds her temples with her palms: for such a pretty girl, she unfortunately resembles a young moose. Buddy opens box 8 and shows £5.
  • Roy wishes Amy every future success as he opens box 22: £100,000. Amy holds her arms aloft in triumph.
  • Obviously now caring little for the outcome, Amy chooses Monica and box 11: £500.

With £5,000 and £10,000 left on the board, the offer would have been a testing £7,400. Amy declares that she would have played on, although her instinct is that she holds the £5,000. She is correct. Linda E, in yet another Alice band, opens box 9 to complete the game and reveal the £10,000. Despite her tight jeans, Amy keeps her promise to exhibit her leg-guitar as the credits roll.


From Black Country Mark's opening grope to Linda E's final reveal, Amy was in complete control of her game. Her early frantic clapping threatened to send the impartial viewer into complete fury until she discovered a cure for her clap around the time of Vic's £750.

Heart, courage, brain: Amy possessed them all, unlike some of her colleagues. All that was missing was the Wicked Banker threatening Amy's dog with GBH. There really is no place like Deal or No Deal.

Amy clicked her heels, played her leg as a guitar and returned to Kansas with £9,950.


Anonymous said...

Too witty by far young Steve!

Lay off Mark!!!


benson_79 said...

I'm with you on the "yourself" thing my man, but I think we're fighting a losing battle. Uneducated, common folk say it (and "myself" instead of "me", and other variants) as they think it sounds intelligent - more syllables, I suppose. Craig used it way back in Big Brother 1 ("I'm very disappointed in yourself, Nicholas!") and so did Jade, so 'nuff said really...

Gillean said...

Steve, I was going to suggest you are the Wizard, but then remembering the story he wasn't very bright, so perhaps you are the The Good Fairy of the North ;-)