Welcome to donduk. A refuge for those who enjoy Deal or No Deal, the hit Channel 4 gameshow hosted by Noel Edmonds. The award winning gameshow Deal or No Deal has become a big hit for Channel 4 and marks a sensational return to our screens of Noel Edmonds.

Deal or No Deal is enjoyed my millions of viewers daily, where the contestants battle with The Banker to try and win a jackpot of £250,000. Here at donduk you will find full daily reports of each show, as well Deal or No Deal news and specials. Deal or No Deal although initially appearing very simple in format of just opening a few boxes for the chance to win some big money prizes, actually has some potentially complex decisions to be made at points throughout the show, the contestants occasionally try complex or simple gameplay in an attempt to give them an edge in beating the Banker.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Teresa's game report

Thursday evening and I am stepping into the shoes left vacant by John, who was slated to offer tonight's game report. Unfortunately he has had to work tonight. I'm sure he'll be here another time. Maddeningly, I contrived to delete the entire report instead of publishing it and have had to do it again. I hope it is much improved for being a second draft.

There is optimism in the air as Noel introduces tonight's game. This afternoon, Trevor went away with a stunning £25,000 yet Noel can't resist a dig that he dealt too soon. Nevertheless, it is still Double Deal Week and yes, many of the contestants still have body doubles.

The lights go down and the computer flashes names on the screen. There is excitement, even pandemonium, as Teresa is chosen to play. She drags herself down the central apron, struggles to place box 1 on the desk and finally sits in the chair.

Teresa appears to have been created by Victoria Wood. She is a Northern lady from middle-class Cheadle Hulme (which remains resolutely in Cheshire, not Greater Manchester, of course...) and her reddish-blonde hair, whilst not disorderly, is not quite cut in a discernible style. A hot flush on legs, Teresa is quite scarlet all over, topped off with a scarlet costume. She has been married to Ernie for 52 years (so maybe it's exhaustion rather than a hot flush) and has brought along her grandson Alex and his girlfriend Natalie. The consensus is that Teresa looks younger than her 70 years. She says she owes this to the high-quality water in the North West: she has clearly not swum at Blackpool since the war.

Noel chats at length to Teresa, and we learn that she has watched the show from day one. She says she has been to the University of Deal or No Deal. Now that Bolton, Bournemouth and Luton claim to have universities, it is surely only a matter of time before some other glorified sixth form college decides to choose DOND as its new name. Nevertheless, Teresa's degree in Dealology may come in useful.

Freshers' Week

  • We begin the game with box 12, held by Shirley: £15,000.
  • As Teresa describes the small numbers as "twiddly bits", Debbie (played by Delia Smith) opens box 5 and reveals 10p. A twiddly bit indeed!
  • Teresa reveals that she quite fancies Mark, perhaps the youngest of the current male contestants. She started off coquettishly, but now possesses all the subtlety of a Freddie Ljungberg underpants advert. Rendered virtually speechless, Mark quite rightly looks as though he has just been goosed by the cleaner at the office party, but he opens box 7 to reveal £1. Despite Noel's efforts, Mark passes up the opportunity to refer to twiddly bits.
  • If Teresa fancies Wayne, she doesn't let on. Perhaps he is miffed since box 22 contains £100,000.
  • Finally, new contestant Paul is fingered. We see him only briefly but he appears to have prominent teeth. Box 14 reveals 1p.

Noel stops Teresa before she can nominate another box. The banker calls and offers her a PhD: a Pretty hot Deal. Truly, he is on fire today. He offers £8,000. Teresa considers her offer very carefully before issuing a firm "No deal."

Christmas vacation

The scatty granny act is starting to jar as Noel writes 1, 2 and 3 on her hand. Presumably this is not Posh Paws's telephone number. (If you are under 25, ask a parent or elderly relative to explain this reference to you.) Teresa promptly awaits another call from the banker but Noel reminds her that she needs to choose three boxes. Most little old ladies are tough and canny: they saw off Hitler, you know. Teresa is entertaining the audience and her fellow contestants but is in danger of irritating the hell out of people at home.

The banker calls; Teresa answers in the style of Miss Babs from Acorn Antiques. Maybe the Victoria Wood theory is correct, after all.

  • After what feels like an eternity, Teresa asks Amy to open box 2. Amy is very pretty; the box is not as it contains £250,000.
  • Melanie is next, with box 9: 50p.
  • Teresa nominates Linda, a tall blonde in an Alice band (played by David Beckham). We go to the break. When we return, we are greeted by Pat M of this parish, who introduces highlights of Sam's unforgettable £41,000 game. There is no such luck for Teresa, however, as the England captain opens box 13 to reveal the £50,000.

The banker calls again and cuts his offer to £4,100. Teresa needs little help and quickly issues a refusal: "No deal."

Second semester

  • Turning to Joseph (played by Father Jack Hackett), Teresa finds the £100 in box 19.
  • Eileen is next: box 18 contains £5,000 which Noel describes as an "honorary blue". This is bizarre since there are only four higher sums left on the board.
  • Finally, we turn to Pierre, who may be French but we don't know as he says nothing. He opens boîte 8 to reveal £250, which is about €370. Currency conversion is less simple than when I was at school: £1 was inevitably worth about 10 French francs.

The banker reverts to his first offer: £8,000. Teresa has already decided: "No deal."

Easter vacation

A good round now will see Teresa achieve the sort of offer she has obviously been hoping for.

  • She turns to Bianca (played by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson) who reveals £10,000 in box 3.
  • Frank is next: box 11 contains the £3,000. Up in the audience, grandson Alex mutters something to his girlfriend. Fellow lip-readers may agree it was a profanity. Nevertheless, his eyes shoot the kind of embarrassed look more associated with a young man whose Nan has just come up to visit him in halls of residence and regaled his fellow students with an amusing anecdote about his testicular hernia.
  • Before we make it to the break, Teresa nominates Pennie (looking more like Su Pollard with every passing show). We return from the adverts and Su Pollard opens box 15 to reveal £20,000. For once, she doesn't cry but looks as though she has been thoroughly admonished by Miss Cathcart the cleaning supervisor for missing some discarded pineapple chunks in the Hawaiian ballroom.

Maybe the banker is bored: he has already reverted to his first offer. Now he reverts to his second and offers £4,100. This is very generous with five blues and three reds left on the board. Teresa again needs little time: "No deal."

Last dissertation

  • Ryan (played by David Brent) opens box 6: £750.
  • Santa Ron is next with box 16: he gets a big kiss as he reveals £5. There is hope for Teresa's game yet.
  • Chrissie (played by Germaine Greer) is chosen with box 10: the game is virtually over as she shows the £75,000. The audience groans, then goes silent.

The banker shows little sympathy: £2,500 is the offer. Teresa asks for help from grandson Alex, who reminds her that she is only going to play the game once. This is all the help she needs: "No deal."

Before the third and final break, Noel makes Teresa stand in the corner of the studio. Ostensibly this is so that she can study the three blue numbers on the board, but actually all that is missing is triangular headwear. This happens infrequently at British universities.

Final examinations

Noel summarises the position for new viewers, particularly as the Sweden game has just reached half-time on the other side. The sums remaining are £10, £50, £500, £1,000 and £35,000.

  • Teresa chooses Yvonne (played by Janice Battersby) who opens box 17 to reveal £500.
  • Alan (played by Tin Tin) is next with box 21: £50.
  • If Teresa avoids the £35,000 then she will almost certainly eclipse her best offer. Faced with a choice of Ashok or Lee, she plumps for Lee whose box 20 contains £35,000.

The room is devastated. Su Pollard has her head in her hands as though Miss Cathcart has accused her of stealing a mop.

The banker offers just £300 but Teresa has already decided to play on: "No deal." Will this student of the game make it to her graduation ball? Before we can find out, the banker offers the swap. Teresa says she had decided beforehand not to take it, even if offered.

Noel tries to lift the room by talking up the £1,000. He opens box 1 to reveal the umpteenth tenner of the week. Su Pollard's head hits the desk: it must be the bleach fumes. Ashok opens box 4 to complete the game and confirm that the £1,000 is within.

Verdict

Teresa talked herself up as a DOND student. Like all contestants, she began with high hopes of getting into Harvard, Yale or the Sorbonne. Quickly thwarted, she decided she would be happy with a place at somewhere still fairly prestigious such as Warwick or Durham, but she ended up having to go through Clearing for a decidedly unglamorous former polytechnic. Her dotty old lady act sat somewhere between "irritating" and "maddening" on the appropriate scale, but she seemed to be popular enough with her fellow contestants. Victoria Wood would be proud.

Teresa won £10.

3 comments:

Ìain said...

Steve, you are fast becoming a legend (I was a bit worried when I woke up this morning that you were a myth).

Fabulous job!

bal said...

Excellent report but bianca does not look like tpt sorry!!!

Chris S said...

brilliant report, love the university stuff.